I'm jealous of your bromance
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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