Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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