ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
