I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
