Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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