My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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