Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
