you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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