Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
