Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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