dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
