only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
