I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
