she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
