I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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