I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
