Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
