I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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