Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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