how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
