dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
