Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
