Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
