I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
