this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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