I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
