when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
