i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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