Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
