my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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