I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
