I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
