matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
