Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
