the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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