Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We have started to decorate penises.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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