cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
