Don't make out with my wife yet
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize