I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
