Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
