you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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