from now on my penis is your penis
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You made out with two different species that night
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
