No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
