Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
