Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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