i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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