Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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