He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
