At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
