Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
