look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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