I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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