Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
