I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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