I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
