Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
