Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize