I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
