I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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