I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just cropdusted the office
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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