I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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