I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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