Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
